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it really doesn’t matter father
said this is where she died
(everything that made winter here
bearable made summer death);
is there anywhere
death hasn’t trespassed?
(I’m not afraid)
any office, jail,
(I don’t believe in heaven in the winter)
Pentagon warehouse, behind
lock after lock after lock after lock,
no crushed tick, no swallowed spider?

it’s much worse
biking beyond the bridge,
still breathing, unbearably heavy,
where, graduation night, years back,
(I don’t believe in winter in the fall)
a sober wrist-snap kissed
grill to abutment,
the first day of the rest of our lives
spent leaving behind
that bridge

and wilting bouquets
(mine, plastic, actually,
stolen eventually,
don’t hate me)

yes, behind
lock after lock after lock after lock,
I slept where she died
in the attic
of his mind’s eye

(heat rises)
Originally published in the literary journal, The Perceptive I.
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Xaathel Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2011
Wow, awesome. The parentheticals are really cool personal asides. Was there a car crash somewhere in there?
sandzen Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2011   General Artist
Yeah, there was. My youth had two major deaths in it, and the one involved a young man everyone at school knew who died in a freak driving accident on graduation night. The other was my grandmother, who died, leaving her old bedroom to my brother and I, when we inherited her house. So, my childhood was fraught with terror in that room.

This ties into the piece The 1998 Housefire at 198 Wentworth South, which is about me burning down that house from in that room. It recently won a DLD, so you might enjoy it.

And thanks for the favs and good vibes.
Xaathel Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2011
Sounds like a strange youth, being haunted by the ghosts of the past in a more symbolic way than literal.

No problem, good vibes are always free! (the same thing with faves I guess)
sandzen Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2011   General Artist
Well, symbolic and literal, I might say. It's true, I had a haunted youth. And strange in many ways. Nowadays, that I'm living in much better circumstances, I find I almost have to find ways to scare myself to recapture that sensation of being young. Which makes the scares less memorable, I think. But who wants to be afraid all the time?
Xaathel Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2011
I definitely wouldn't. I can't stand scary movies, not because they scare me, but because they're just the same feeling of dread all over again, never really anything new to experience about it. Like that diner I went to in highschool that I thought was awesome, but I go back now and it's really not that great at all.
sandzen Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2011   General Artist
Oh, I don't know.

Different horror/thrillers definitely effect me in different ways.

I'm about as atheist as they come, but the religious implications behind the Paranormal Activity movies allows me to feel the fear I might feel if I were religious.

It's a dread, for sure.

And certainly not the same type of fear that zombie films drive me to. In zombie films, it's more like a puzzle you have to solve: you're in a spot, the mindless hordes are coming, and you have to find the best way out.

The nervousness of a creaky house, and the panic of post-apocalypse, for me, are way different experiences, to be sure.

And then, of course, you have real life scares: The Silence of the Lambs, American Psycho, Misery, Vacancy. The idea that there are horrible, horrible people in this world, you may choose you as their next play thing. That's a fear that descends on me less when I'm in the comfort of my home, and more when I'm out and about. Is a flat-paneled truck going to come up alongside me one day and throw me in the back?

I definitely understand not wanting to sit through a film whose sole purpose is to make you uncomfortable. But it's a feeling I'll probably never stop chasing.
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